The Rules
Dating. A word that strikes horror in the hearts of singles everywhere. Of course there are those who the world of dating is exciting. A chance to meet new people, experience new things and expand their knowledge of the human psyche.
Not me. I'm not one of those people. In theory I am. I could wax poetic about how I've met some of the coolest people in my life through dating (which is true) - but I've also brought people into my life who have crushed my heart and taken little pieces of me that can never be replaced. I guess that's the crap shoot dating is. Sometimes it's a life changing friendship and sometimes it's a basket full of angry snakes.
I am truly drawn to the tragic looser type and only when I've had my fill and I venture out of my comfort zone do I meet the amazing. Those ones I hang onto for dear life even if dating them didn't stick. Those are the gems that the universe gives us to help us survive the other kind.
So - here I am. Back in the dating pool trying to avoid the tragic and the lost. I have a couple of guys in my life who are so much fun they make me forget that I'm a little lonely and jonesing for a "boyfriend". I laugh and enjoy myself so much that I forget it's just all temporary. The much celebrated "Friend with Benefits". Thing is those friendships are actually very fragile. They rarely move into the boyfriend/girlfriend zone so when someone falls in love with someone else and the benefit part of the friendship ends so often does the actual friendship. I ask myself, "Is it worth loosing this friendship for a little benefit action?" Usually the answer is no. The friendship part is too important to me.
Recently I've met someone who I didn't think was going to be anything. I didn't think he really liked me, but we kept coming back together and the other day I actually felt a little frantic that I hadn't heard from him. Frantic to me means I like someone. The therapy inducing anxiety that I feel when I'm completely head over heels for someone is building in the bottom of my stomach and I don't want to fuck this up by seeming to eager or too aloof. What I fear is that this could easily move into a friend with benefit thing - and I truly don't want that. I want to date this one. I want to introduce him as my boyfriend. Silly, but true and I have no idea how to tell him that.
I do not need a fuck buddy. Well, I do, but I don't want JUST a fuck buddy. I'm not a conservative girl. I'm a left of center kind of a girl, but I want a little old fashioned courtship. I want to be asked out on a date where he drives and brings flowers. I want to be taken to dinner. I want someone to make plans with me. But if that hasn't happened by date 5 then it probably isn't going to happen and it will quickly disintegrate into late night sleep over invites.
Maybe he's just not that into me. Maybe he thinks I'm just not that into him. Maybe if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck..... I need to stop trying to see it as a bunny.
I don't know why we have to all be so guarded all the time. Why can't we just say what we want? Why do we have to play games? I hate games. I never know the rules. And sometimes the price of the outcome far outweighs the benefits for me. Maybe I need to stay in the safe zone. Hang a closed for business sign on my heart and just be with my other friends, the one's where the rules are clear. You know, the friends with benefits.
